Are You Scared of the Dark?

Yesterday was the first real day of me being here doing the "modified bed-rest" thing. On the whole it was a long day, kind of felt like work in itself. Probably the most productive thing I did was to almost finish baby's stuffed animal I'm making for him. Here is the little fellow sitting on my lap already befriending Baby. He still needs a face and arms.

Maybe I will finish him properly today. Or make him a sweater :) I also thought about making brownies for Jon, but that thought soon passed. Good thing too because I had two of the sweetest surprises come for me in the mail. One was a giant tin of brownies! Sent from two of my favorite New Yorkers. Delicious. The other surprise arrived from Chicago. An adorable little brown sleeper suit for Baby and just a sweet sweet card from the first of my friends to have a baby (who is now 2!) These gifts were so out of the blue, it felt like getting big hugs from all over. Hugs which I so needed.

As I neared the end of the day things sort of tensed up for me. I got a call from my doctor saying my blood levels were low, meaning it isn't at a therapeutic range to treat and stabalize my unfriendly clot. So she has doubled my dosage of heparin to 30,000 units every 12 hours. Which basically means I need to do 3 of these ugly shots every 12 hours. That's a lot of tummy stabs.

That news put me in a funk. Got me thinking too much. Why isn't my blood responding like it did last week on the IV? What happens to the clot if I'm not at therapeutic levels? Does it grow? Move? What will they want to do if my next blood draw shows no significant improvements? Why does my leg get a little bluish when walking? Should I really only be sitting?
These are heavy thoughts that prevent a sound sleep. Luckily I have Jon to talk me down during the scary dark hours of the day. But it is hard not to fear the unknown. It's hard to wait for answers and second guess pains and feelings throughout my body.
Goal of the minute, the hour and the day is the same: trust that the doctors are knowledgeable and doing what is right. Let go of the anxiety. Smile because Baby is almost 30 weeks and doing well.